Monday, August 24, 2009

Home Remedies for Heart Maladies

As for all things recurrent and inevitable there needs to be an almanac for heartbreak. Within it could be a forecast of expected recovery date dependent on statistical “time in love” analysis, as well as tried and true effective remedies to expedite the process. There could even be real life anecdotes and words of wisdom to inspire us lovesick harlequins.

Enduring heartbreak is perhaps the most nauseating roller coaster I have ever ridden. It leads me to believe I am manic depressive or bipolar as one day I am extremely happy while the next I wonder why I even exist. Perhaps if I ever rise as a phoenix from the ashes of my shattered heart I could be the one to write the heartbreak almanac. I am still testing multiple remedies to alleviate this malady of love, but nothing yet has proven to be very effective. Let us review my list of tried soul tonics thus far:

Woo Gurl Tactics:

Seemingly effective as it provides immediate emollient effects but imparts a quick inverse reaction shortly thereafter. Woo Gurl Tactics include, but are not limited to: ingesting tequila shots; “woo-ing” after aforementioned shots; seeking the attention of random males of less than average intelligence (ref:; making out randomly with aforementioned males; coming home from some drunken romp wearing a pink cowgirl hat, plastic sheriff’s badge and purse that says “Hottie Police” not knowing where said accessories came from. Unfortunately Woo Gurl Tactics tend to invite pickup lines such as, “Shall we go back to my hostel?”, and “Is there any chance I get to fuck you tonight?” Oy vey.

Good ol’ Alcoholism:

Unlike the above Woo Gurl Tactics, Good ol’ Alcoholism does not require a bar, club, backyard strip flip cup scene or even other people for that matter. Good ol’ Alcoholism is best experienced alone in a cramped room/apartment with a bottle of whiskey and old pictures/letters/relics from the one responsible for the aforesaid Alcoholism. Cell phones, texting devices and email/chat clients should be avoided at all cost during this time.

Crying Hysterically to Anyone Who Will Listen:

Unfortunately, this has become my personal favorite during the depressive half of my newly found manic depressive disorder. This is a tricky remedy as the crying hysterically must be distributed carefully amongst the Anyones who will listen. This distribution is dependant on these factors: how well you know the Anyones; if the Anyones knew the one responsible for the heartbreak; and the overall heart nurturing nature of the Anyones. Proceed with caution or you may irrevocably alienate the Anyones if you inundate them with too much sobbing.

Online Social Networking:

Yes, Facebook. This, ironically, has been the bane of my recovery for the past few months. It provides instant gratification and an even quicker discontentment which spawns a vicious cycle of posting comments, becoming a fan of pages, finding crushes from 3rd grade and playing Restaurant City. In extreme cases when Facebook is not enough, one may go to the extent of joining such sites as eHarmony and Yes, social networking is gratifying, but this very time consuming vicious cycle dangerously mimics a dopamine dependent drug addiction i.e. crack, cocaine and meth. Just say no.

Writing a Dracula Rock Opera:

Ok, this wasn’t me as it was Jason Segal, but the whole idea of using creativity to overcome heartbreak is pretty resonant. Granted my creativity has been thwarted by the ever mighty drug addiction called Facebook (and eHarmony.. DON’T JUDGE ME), but it is slowly becoming resurrected with small steps such as creating this blog. Granted the whole reason for creating this blog was supposed to be more career oriented, but indulge me ok?

Like any illness, I guess the only real remedy for heartbreak is time, but in the meantime, I wish I had the heart of a tik-tok man. Perhaps one day after I kick this ailment I could offer inspirational anecdotes, but for now let’s just call this almanac a W.I.P.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Let’s rap, shall we?

For the past year or so, my intellectual stimulus has been confined to any menial tasks that fit within my 9 hour work day. Beyond that, my lazy ass has taken up brain liquefying activities a la Facebook, television and just plain sitting and staring at the wall. What had happened to my unfinished list of crafty activities? Where are all my unread books? What’s up with that pile of pristinely folded newspapers? Why are all my stories still in my head and not on paper? What happened to my nightly journal entries to document the events of the day? Where have all the cowboys gone?

No, no, no…. this will not do.

Considering my current dreams and aspirations, toting around a brain of mush is just plain unacceptable. Granted, it’s unacceptable regardless, but given my current goals, I must at least be able to pull off the façade of a well read, well informed and well rounded young lady. So this is why I have decided to start a blog.

What good would a blog do? Well, if I feel as if I’m writing for an audience, even a one person audience, I’ll be able to gain a sense of connection and write in such a manner which will be helpful in the future. Well… perhaps that is. Also, maintaining a blog may give me a little motivation to continue writing and not just frivolous jank on scrap paper. Indeed I must do more than just write nonsense. There needs to be a theme or goal even to what I will write. I guess this will have to be determined at a later time, because my mush brain is at a loss. All I can garner at the moment is that I would like it to be informative and humorous. Quite an arduous task, no doubt.

Thus starts my blog.

Tune into the news at 5 for all the latest musings of Larah McKay. Piece.