Monday, August 24, 2009

Home Remedies for Heart Maladies

As for all things recurrent and inevitable there needs to be an almanac for heartbreak. Within it could be a forecast of expected recovery date dependent on statistical “time in love” analysis, as well as tried and true effective remedies to expedite the process. There could even be real life anecdotes and words of wisdom to inspire us lovesick harlequins.

Enduring heartbreak is perhaps the most nauseating roller coaster I have ever ridden. It leads me to believe I am manic depressive or bipolar as one day I am extremely happy while the next I wonder why I even exist. Perhaps if I ever rise as a phoenix from the ashes of my shattered heart I could be the one to write the heartbreak almanac. I am still testing multiple remedies to alleviate this malady of love, but nothing yet has proven to be very effective. Let us review my list of tried soul tonics thus far:

Woo Gurl Tactics:

Seemingly effective as it provides immediate emollient effects but imparts a quick inverse reaction shortly thereafter. Woo Gurl Tactics include, but are not limited to: ingesting tequila shots; “woo-ing” after aforementioned shots; seeking the attention of random males of less than average intelligence (ref:; making out randomly with aforementioned males; coming home from some drunken romp wearing a pink cowgirl hat, plastic sheriff’s badge and purse that says “Hottie Police” not knowing where said accessories came from. Unfortunately Woo Gurl Tactics tend to invite pickup lines such as, “Shall we go back to my hostel?”, and “Is there any chance I get to fuck you tonight?” Oy vey.

Good ol’ Alcoholism:

Unlike the above Woo Gurl Tactics, Good ol’ Alcoholism does not require a bar, club, backyard strip flip cup scene or even other people for that matter. Good ol’ Alcoholism is best experienced alone in a cramped room/apartment with a bottle of whiskey and old pictures/letters/relics from the one responsible for the aforesaid Alcoholism. Cell phones, texting devices and email/chat clients should be avoided at all cost during this time.

Crying Hysterically to Anyone Who Will Listen:

Unfortunately, this has become my personal favorite during the depressive half of my newly found manic depressive disorder. This is a tricky remedy as the crying hysterically must be distributed carefully amongst the Anyones who will listen. This distribution is dependant on these factors: how well you know the Anyones; if the Anyones knew the one responsible for the heartbreak; and the overall heart nurturing nature of the Anyones. Proceed with caution or you may irrevocably alienate the Anyones if you inundate them with too much sobbing.

Online Social Networking:

Yes, Facebook. This, ironically, has been the bane of my recovery for the past few months. It provides instant gratification and an even quicker discontentment which spawns a vicious cycle of posting comments, becoming a fan of pages, finding crushes from 3rd grade and playing Restaurant City. In extreme cases when Facebook is not enough, one may go to the extent of joining such sites as eHarmony and Yes, social networking is gratifying, but this very time consuming vicious cycle dangerously mimics a dopamine dependent drug addiction i.e. crack, cocaine and meth. Just say no.

Writing a Dracula Rock Opera:

Ok, this wasn’t me as it was Jason Segal, but the whole idea of using creativity to overcome heartbreak is pretty resonant. Granted my creativity has been thwarted by the ever mighty drug addiction called Facebook (and eHarmony.. DON’T JUDGE ME), but it is slowly becoming resurrected with small steps such as creating this blog. Granted the whole reason for creating this blog was supposed to be more career oriented, but indulge me ok?

Like any illness, I guess the only real remedy for heartbreak is time, but in the meantime, I wish I had the heart of a tik-tok man. Perhaps one day after I kick this ailment I could offer inspirational anecdotes, but for now let’s just call this almanac a W.I.P.

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